New Layout

I was kind of bored that I decided to create a new layout. Besides I want to personalize my blog. I want to express my real want. By looking at my own blog template, I feel happy. lol. I don't know why but well, firstly it is cartoonish. It is simple and plain. Neat and very original.

And I want more people to feel what I feel and want. So I submitted this layout to blogskins.com.

http://www.blogskins.com/apply.php?sid=316482&action=Preview

Of course, I did not have my header banner there. lol. Mind replace with other things. Anyway, hope you all like it too.

What wrong have I done?

Hi blog

Sometimes I wonder what wrong have I done. What that had happened to me in the past has come back again. I don't know...I really don't. It is just fate?

So many things are happening.

Nothing is worse that being alone. I just want to have cats, just like I used to have... stray cats. Only animals or to be more specific, cats, can understand me. Sometimes I wonder, is there any relations between me and cats.

Mother told me about cat fightings during the first few months I was born. There were cats fighting outside the house and I was crying. But when she look outside, there wasn't any cat.

I wish I can have a big cat... maybe tiger? Ok fine, enough of my cat stories. I just want to be with a clique. Where's my flock of birds? After 19 years of living, I am still alone? Where did I go wrong? I'm not angry, or sad, just stress. I am still capable of helping others and doing my stuffs even with this stress. It won't affect my work, but it will affect my smile, the way I talk and learn. I know myself well...

STA

It was good today. STA course is cool!

Today I played a lot of games...well, not online games but more like customised game created by the class! It was fun. :)

Let's do some changes to how I post my blog. Hmmm....maybe I should post only good stuffs?

Alright. Let's try that!

Sian

"Such propaganda won't motivate me. So save your breathe. I am a self-motivator"

I would put that up on facebook or msn. But just to avoid unnecessary grudge or trouble, I decided not to.

I am OK with the system but I am not OK when people think I am taking my sweet time to do things. Do you know that I've started to think of my interested-carrier at the age of 16? or even younger when I first started playing with HTML in sec 2.

Now I am still dealing with HTML, just that it has gotten much easier. So I touch on CSS, Javascript and php.

Not many is doing what I'm doing because they have their own goal or maybe have not thought of it yet.

I see potential in the field that I am in. So if you think what I am doing is useless, that is because you don't know what it can do. It doesn't matter what you think, I am not afraid.

He may be a manager, but if he shows no respect to anyone, then his status is of no value.

It's not stressful, but it's making me angry because if I lack sleep I won't feel confident.

Ok..

Today was fine.

Morning, I did coding for that online company.

Then was an old movie...it was good though

Then when to deliver product to uncle house.

Tomorrow, things clashes.

- Wushu Training

- UT

- FYP Meeting

- New Company meeting

Sian sia!!!

And I lost my small notebook which i treated like a diary.

I actually dreamt that I am flying and am a fairy. It was the most relaxed and wonderful dream i could remember.

Still try to push me.

Some people are telling me to suffer now and enjoy later. Some feel that I need to push myself.

Okkaaayyy....

I hate it. I hate it when people are telling me to stop delaying or procrastinate. True, I am a bad person. Difficult to cooperate with. My very own cousin don't even want to be nice to me. I would say that she's fussy. I'm sorry, I can't be as good as her, I am not her, I am not as smart and all. I'm sorry. I am not perfect, I'm sorry.

I was kinda emotionally hurt. I know what I need. I sat beside a spiderweb-like playground alone last night and tried to relax myself.

Then I actually climbed up the spiderweb-like playground just now. I need to climb to relieve it. It doesn't matter if my ankle is injured. I was not sure if it's gonna hurt even more, but heck. I need to climb it. That spiderweb thing is kinda small, so I can do it.

After the climb, I felt better. I actually wanted to do cartwheel on air there but there's people looking. So I didn't. I think that place will be a good place to relieve stress.

Mr. Cool

Tired today. Have been listening to the stupid lecture thing from that company.

But I like the speaker today. He has 20 years of experience and he bring out quite a lot of points that I have to agree on.

Anyway, the IEP company is also a bit scary. I want to finish the project ASAP. But it seems so slow. I don't know how to end it!! Damn!

The advertising company has paid me for last month. This month is going to be so little. I am so going to launch my new site but still doing the script(personal project).

FYP, we will be filming soon. I guess I have to give in then, I'll have to let him do the website. Whatever.

Wushu, I want to go tml.

Next task is to call for appointments, update customers, deliver product, ask wushu advisor if can borrow E1 office. Damn, should I go for tml morning PT?

I hate NS. Oh fuk it, i know the world is not fair.

Update Of Halim

I am working hard now for experience, knowledge, money and life. I just need financial freedom. I don't really like the company I just joined. Well, to be more specific, I don't like the system. But I would like to learn from them how they talk well and influent people.

I know what they are doing. Psychoing me to take offers and see things in a different view so that their main purpose is hidden (purpose: to get more money). They keep saying the same old cliche but well. I'm still quite impress with how they speak.

My saying still goes: I know...don't mention it

They do a lot of mind tricks la. It's my thing as well. Trying to fish me with cars, money and even their products. Well. It's normal but yea, that part of it was a bit unsuccessful of them. After understanding the company, I know what I want from them. I just want to learn and maybe earn.

So my new list of busy list:

- New 'business' to learn

- Attachment Company

- Own project (1 is finishing, 1 more pending)

- School

- Wushu

- FYP

- Morning PT (been skipping)

- Need to exercise for NAPFA

I still heard people asking me to push myself. I have pushed myself so much that I often feel angry at times.

I've just shared my personal problem with a faci in RJ. Well, I just need someone to know what's in my mind. The real thing in my mind that is. She's quite privilege, I never really tell it to anyone clearly or at least any clearer.

I like the module, it's about story-telling. It's fun. I really enjoy it and I wish I can stay in RP more.

And I don't really have free days. Actually, I consider myself 'dead'. If you can remember, those times I always say that my life is short....this is what I mean. Because I never had a proper teenage life. I'm supposed to enjoy my last sem in RP, but instead I am killing that part of what I enjoy.

I'm sorry Halim, I couldn't make you happy. I have been such a worthless hardworking guy who couldn't even make myself happy. I couldn't even make myself look good. I'm short, I'm dark and I'm still not able to make good income. I don't have the traits that can attract the opposite gender. I am not able to play music, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't act. Sing.Act.Dance...these 3 have been in my top list for all these years but well...I couldn't achieve it. Now you know who's the biggest loser. No more ninjado for me.

I'm not sad now. I'm just stating the fact and I feel neutral about it. I feel numb.

I am feeling a little feverish now... health deteriorating? I don't know. But I've been feeling kinda stress.

The Ex-Loner

When you're young, you don't know anything.

True enough. I was wondering why when in primary school, a friend of mine told me to take him as a brother, partly due to his mother advise as well. He said since, you have no siblings, you can take me as a bro. I was still young and I thought, I don't need siblings.

But now I know why I need one. Looking back, I am always alone at home. Everyone's out to work, no siblings and so I stayed at home alone almost every day. Not knowing how to socialize and too used to being alone. I understand the lonely emotions when people are alone. The 'emoism' - so called.

In secondary school, I chase for friends. But after some time, I isolate myself again. It feels weird to see everyone eating with friends and spending time with each other while I sat on a bench observing my surroundings alone. I thought that it was a hobby to observe people, but now I guess I just don't know how to mingle or more like we have different interest.

Actually, that is when it hurts. You will begin to wonder why no one come to you, talk to you or even pay any attention to you. You feel as though you're invisible. Everyone is with someone, while you are alone with yourself. Go home, feel vexed. No siblings to talk to or share each others day. Seriously, I don't know what people with siblings are doing.

Holiday is even worse. Nobody is at home. You're alone. Got scolded for not doing house chores. Already that I was emo being alone at home, I still got scolding for not doing house chores. Who can I turn to? (not all people have this trouble)

That is why, whenever I see a friend who is alone, I try to be with them. I know how loner feels. Call them weird and leave them alone, that's what most people would do when they meet 'weird' people.

The only friend I had was stray cats. That's why I use to 'meow!' on MSN. :)

Decided to do some log.

Here's the list:

- Personal Website Project (dating script with a twist)

- The IEP Company Project

- FYP project

- Wushu Performance (I wish I will be able to perform one last time)

- Morning PT

- I have 1 more storyboard to do for FYP (I did 1 today)

I am hoping to do another freelance referred by CY.

What I want:

- I wanna stay at RP a little longer (1 extra sem?)

- Digital Cam

- Some clothes

My life needs to change for the better. NS is already like end of life. I want to live longer, I don't wanna go NS - I am so in need of teenage life. Maybe I'm suffering from a disorder where I still enjoys cartoon so much and always wanna be a teenager.

Who knows.

Some of the Halim's mind...

I just wanna share some forms of motivations.

Motivation is what drives people and it serves as the lifeblood of people, the one that propels them to go on and on, never mind the hunger or the tiredness.

Here are some of the different motivations that people subscribe to. Read on and you might find one that will help you deal with people close to you. It might even help you deal with your own self.

1. Achievement

This people are those that wants to work, work and work. They don’t need to be given money, rewards or anything of the sort to work. They work for the sake of the work and not for anything else. When you are looking for people, this is the kind of employees that you might want to consider. These people are dedicated and often, they are the ones who are persistent and have a high energy levels. They also want to be given responsibilities and when they have achieved something, they will get right on to doing the next one without even resting.

2. Affiliation

You might wonder what others are thinking why they just give up their careers for love. You see women who dedicate their lives to serve their husbands and you cringe at the choices that they have made. But this is because your motivation is not the same as theirs. What motivates these people is their need for affiliation. These people need love in their lives. This is the only thing that they aim for. It’s not important for them to have a career or to achieve something in life, they just want to have people love them and have a support system.

3. Security

These people care for the future. They are already thinking of their future in old age even if they are still in their 20s. Often these are the people who are into material possessions because they feel that having money will secure their future for them. Besides money, these people also want to have properties and all kinds of assets. Having a steady job is also important to them. Change is not something that these people can abide.

4. Nurturance

These people are the natural mothers of the world. They have the constant need to mother people or to care for someone. Often, people go to them when they want to comforted or just to have someone to listen to them. They are nurturing and motherly in their attitudes towards people and would be great teachers, counselors and mothers.

So which are you?

And which do you think I am?

Sayonara

How to be the Halim that I want to be?... It's getting stressful.. projects to manage, schools, wushu and morning PT... damn NS is going to take away my 2 years of life. I know what life is, don't mention it but why must this happen to me so early (15-16yrs old)? It seems like I've 'killed' myself..(ie. the Halim that I want to be..)

Today, taking a STA module. The class was filled with mostly girls. I feel kinda uncomfortable when all of them know each other well. On the other hand, they are playful kinda people which is like 'my other side'.

I don't know how to mingle with them though. At least not yet. My team are noisy girls. All girls and me =.=" Like FYP team. But slightly different, they're noisy and playful.

I want to learn to be one of them so I can mingle easily. My first impression of the team members I'm in:

Huiman - Cute/prettyish- nice to hv a team mate like this

The-beside-me-and-first-i-talk-to: Has a good voice and i can tell she enjoys singing

The-second-I-talked-to: Pretty sweet looking

The-red-color-one: Looks cheerful, nice to hv someone like this in class

I guess I hv to behave and participate more next week. I don't want to be a crappy person.

Had a dream about some disturbance, or something bothering me.

In the dream, it was some sort of bug...but it also looks like some sort of energy being.

It's trying to distract me from something..

Anyway, I was awakened by the phone which was ringing persistently. It was my mom, she injured her knee and wonder if my uncle was out already to get her shoes (to lighten the pain) and i say he's out liao.. and my mom saw him.. BUT he didnt see her and she can't run.

I went to bed again..but then the phone rings again. He said did my mom call and say where she is...I say yea. She's at CK. But my uncle when to MRT interchange. =.="" and he said ok. *hang*

I decided to get up, bath quickly and went out to CK to find her myself. Irritating sia... her hp no batt, uncle blur....and I slept for 4 hours since the phone disturb me. But well, it's ok... at least I'm there when she needs me. She was wondering if she should call me using public phone to get her to clinic, but I save her 10cents and came down. guai hor? lol

Then back home, back to work. This IEP is getting on my nerve. The previous weeks, i sent email to do testing but no one tested for me except the manager. Then when I update the calender last week, no reply until this week. =.=" Then this last week, manager msn me..ask me this and that got bugs. =.=" Ok...finally u do some testing for bugs.

So I was debugging...and on 1Oct or was it 30 Sept, he asked me to do another 6 more stuffs. Aiya... after i told him that next week i start, then he rush me to do things and start updating me. Anyway, I did 5/6 things overnight. The last one was on the aethestic which I have to wait for him to give me. Received it on Friday morning which is actually 'today' (now it's Sat cos' it's 12am+)...

I am only angry why he never give me all the proper details that he want initially. Anyway, I am ok now. I just need to sleeppp. That's all. I need sleeping pills. Damn! Why didnt i ask the doctor for it just now. argh...

MJ got another talent which he keeps low profile of..?

Ok...I recently saw Michael Jackson videos of him doing beat box. They were cool. But he mentioned something about the music playing in his head which makes me wanna blog about it...

Because I had a similar experience when I was 16. It was in the middle night I was sleeping, dreaming of my crush...and then a music starts to play in my head. It was kinda sad, touching...silencing. I woke up, and recorded it in my MP3. ...*checking mp3*... i couldn't find it, but I still got it in my head.

Last year when I was 18, I watch an anime that has a theme song/music which sounds similar to the music in my head 2 years ago. It was during computing animation class. I forget the anime name. But when I let one of my friends in sem 2 listen to my music, he said it sounds familiar. Ok, I am not trying to mean anything here, I just wanna share my 'abnormal' experience and because of this experience, I believe MJ when he said it came 'from above' (watch the last video).

Thoughts

What I want?
- World Peace
- No disaster
- No hurt
- Smiles everywhere
- Mom happy living forever
- No NS
- No negative people

What I want for myself?
- Vocal lesson
- Martial Art Training
- Body building training
- Automated income
- Play music

Just doing a log for myself

Wednesday 9/9/09:
Went meeting till close to 12am. Did not break fast properly. In other words, I didnt eat for like 18 hours.
Had headache during the meeting.. My speech was gibberish.

Thursday:
Relaxed but glad I have new task. Did not do much just visualizing how it should look like.

Friday:
Did a little research on the new task. Half-way through the day, there's a problem with my left lung/heart. I was in pain, couldn't continue with full ability.

Saturday:
Pain still. But able to code the displaying and fixing some bugs in the calender code. Also found a code for the lightbox.

Sunday:
Did the displaying of the events. Pain is close to nothing (almost recovering). Then completed the lightbox and fixing of more bugs...

Next objective: Display the next 3 upcoming events

Michael Jackson has been masking his children. The medias who want to make money by making up stories and stirring things up, call him Jacko and thought that 'masking' his children is an act of weirdo and madness. But the truth is, he does not want his children to be celebrities. He wants them to be normal, he wants his children to have privacy in public.

If you look at Madonna daughter, she's really getting all the attention like the following video.

Michael Jackson do not want his children to be like that because maybe that is what he have been experiencing as a child.. have you seen his childhood?

The HINT to my preoccupied time

Hi..

Been doing all the crapz today. I am actually looking for help.. but I can tell that no one will or want to help me with it. I am judging from the attitude of the people I know, and concluded that.

There's one person that I thought can help, but like most people, she'll think it is a waste of time. I am not sure if it is just me who feels that it will help me in the future or is it true that it is a waste of time. I am doing it for the future..

I am thinking of creating a new game site. Anyone want to suggest a name for the site?
However, I have only 1 domain license. :(

Today, I've been doing a lot of technical stuffs : compiling 6ps, forum postings, reading ebooks, creating a PAD file, etc.

I have been separated from others for so long. I wish I have time to mingle around. In fact, I do have the time but I just have some unfinished business...

Anyway, wushu has been good for me. Able to catch up quite fast but not physically fit like the others. I am still catching up... after weeks+months of no show.

Wushu members are getting better too. :)

I am feeling quite down actually...because the truth is I think i sux at relationship. I can improve it but it all goes back to the unfinished business...

I am not like other guys... they are so much nicer, funny, good-looking, fun and all. I am just someone who is sentimental but quite strict, lame, ignorant-to-what-is-fun, busy, etc..

I feel so stupid la, but i need help with this unfinished business...which like i have said before, a waste of time to others and most probably they don't wanna do it.

Hi, I've created 2 scripts. Recently, it is an BH email tool. It tooks me 10 mins to recall what was the previous one... lol. IMScript.

I got ideas but too lazy to start the official site for the script. Anyway, I am a bit tired now. I have been eating quite a lot during the weekends cos' there's so many food and I was so stress because it is so difficult to make people happy. =.=""

Then today, I finally gotta enjoy my Wednesday. Thought of redeeming the cheque I earn from clickbank but couldn't find my bank book. So I decided to create the script and then exercise. It's been such a long time since I lift the dumbbells and play with the abs machine. After doing it, I thought I look quite good. lol.

So I go eat again. =.="" Now fat again. Aiyooo.
Need to solve problems... problems are disappearing and soon happiness will be restore.
Need to warn about the october prediction. Let's try not to create unnecessary violent.

Rushing life

The FYP team problem is kinda solved.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day in School when I am supposed to have a relaxed day. But oh well, at least I am able to help a bit and make others life slightly better.

Body aching by the time I reached home, still aching this morning.

I thought I was early. I thought that class starts at 9.45am but I forget that it starts at 9.15am! nOO!

Still trying to be happy in class. Smile, disturb and being naughty. Truth is, I am not happy la. Everything for me is a rush. I want to start earning fast. This life of mine is going to end soon..
I wish it is still 2007, still got more time to live, have fun and relax. Those days, I still have energy for wushu and trainings. No injuries, able to move fast and all...

I am tired really... Tomorrow is another morning training.. Boring. And then wushu.. after weeks/months of skipping. I am not sure why am I still there when I have no idea how else I can learn new things. Communication problems and stuffs. But if I don't go, i feel like I don't belong to any group of interests.

It's bad enough that I was being kicked out from Ninjado, and not being able to sing or dance. Those were the talents that I really wanted... If I am out of wushu, then I am totally wasted. I just hope the wushu members could understand (which i doubt so)

Really....

I am not sad just angry because my manager still did not take me seriously when I say I want to quit.

Another thing, I can't stop thinking of FYP team. I formed a team on php but was told that DIDM cannot take PHP project and should take Multimedia domain. Therefore, my team has to be re-formed. Now I got 1 member, and I receive an invitation to join a team... I don't want to leave my team member behind... it's just against my conscience. I mean I do not want others to do that to me, so I do not want to do it on others.

If we were to split, I wanna make sure she have a team. I don't know why I am thinking this way, maybe it's because I'm too stressed and under dilemma?

I don't mind doing video production or multimedia, but I do not have video skills. I did not take the module. So I have to rely on others for that part of the skill. This adds on to my worry. Will I ever find another team mate who is good at that? Or shall I find her a team and tell her to split?

Another thing is that, my other friend is also in the same situation of no team. But I am not sure if I should take him.. I don't mind IF we can find another good mate who is good at filming. That is the problem.

I didnt sleep well last night. Still thinking of what course of action to take. To make it worse, my team mate is working and not online, making it hard to communicate. Problems..

2 Ways of solving it:

1. Find 1 person who is good at video skills (preferably a guy). THen I can ask the other friend of mine to join me so we have 4 members. The problem is where can I find a person with good video skill? It is hard to find since we're not in school
2. Split. I join the group I am invited to and find my team mate a team as well. The unsolved problem is that friend of mine who dont have a team... how can I help him?

Still in doubt. Or if I were to use the second solution, I can actually help him find another team... but...

Hey yo,

I'm in class.. not doing well again. Morning PT was slack but I dont seem to be happy cos' I was invisible.

Then my pant zip spoil a bit, yet I am able to semi-fix it. When to buy food, Milo spilled, aunty gave the money anyhow and it went dunno where but i just relax.

Then in class, I feel invisible again. More like I have no mood. Took coffee.. not because I'm sleepy.. just hoping to get energy or high... or more like the need for drug.

I am lost. I am expecting more shit to come, the next thing I am expecting is my fyp team dispersing and vanishes to dunno where. Not happy with what's happening to me all these while. Things are never good, when will I find that joy and happiness.

No mood.... really... The emoism is back, Mr. Cool is reviving... I'm not gonna like this...

Where are the happy moments?

Good-bye, it's getting worse.
Day by day, I was hoping to see something good... but nothing. In fact, it is the opposite.

1) Laptop spoil
2) Acer say must pay $130 for the casing
3) FYP team lack of people (1 backed out)
4) Asked 2 friends to join (also looking forward for them), but no.. they got a team when i need them the most
5) Another 1 existing member thinking of backing out
6) Working on Sat, that is supposed to be my laptop collecting day
7) feeling sick now..
8) etc...

I dun mind being in random team as long as I get that php project.

My mind is tired, exploding, aching... I need a bigger skull..

Smile Halim, smile.... Keep on smiling like what you always do... don't get upset, you are strong. You've been solo ever since primary school. Remember the time when you wanna join martial art class but no one was there to join with u? ANd in the end you didn't join?
Remember the time when you were betrayed and it leads u to sit in a dark classroom every morning to destress ALONE?
Remember when you decided to study for Olevel in the CC...ALONE?
Remember when you wanted to join Ninjado and you have nobody else, so you join ALONE?
Remember when you were in year 1, you were hoping that you have malay friends joining wushu with you, but you couldn't find so you decided to step into the IG..the lonely malay?
Remember those days when you were having recess in school and spending it ALONE?
Now do you remember why you like RP than Sec, Pri sch? Because during recess, you don't have to be alone.

So you are strong, you don't mind being alone as long as you are doing the things that you want to do. Keep on making others happy, it might not make you 'not lonely' but at least it makes you feel better.

Sudden bad mood

The start of the day is really fuck up. I woke up late for PT. Nevermind that, I rush out from home and I knew it if I were to die die reach there, it will be in the nick of time and my leg will be really damn pain for forcing to walk fast. However when Iwas halfway to the MRT Station, I realized I forgot my HP and wallet. By that time I know that I will not be able to make it on time.

Frustrated and angered, I walk back home slowly. I know that there's no hope to reach there on time. So I decided not to even try. The day continue to make my day boring and frustrating. The sms i sent to my fyp member received no reply and during meeting I feel really confused and was thinking that,
"Hey if you hate me, please hate me next time because we left only 2 days, so stop showing attitude"

I decided to stay there and wait till they go home first. Even though irritated, I have no idea why I decided to call Lynnda and asked if her team is doing fine. I decided to help because I know one of her team member was so stress the other day.

After that, it was close to 9pm and I went back. It is not the end of the day yet, I am still thinking of tml (Saturday). I am working on Saturday and I am so pissed because my manager keep thinking that I work for only 1 day. For goodness sake, true, I work in that job for 1 day per week but it doesn't mean the rest of the week I am free. I didnt want to work at all...

A Story of a hater person

Once there was a girl. She always thinks that she is hated. And she likes to hate people herself. Then she thinks that everyone sucks and she is the best, she is so proud of herself for being so good at academy. She thinks that many others are inexperience and she feel as though she's always right. She thinks that people are not good enough for her, but I asked her, "Are you good enough for people?" That question remains unanswered. Yet I still continue to talk to her.

I endure all the hurtful things she say about herself being so execellent. She is so proud of herself that it hurts to hear her praises and sometimes comments. She was trying to look down on me and make me look up on to her. But she failed because I have my own integrity and I am someone who have realized that the one who will get most respect is the one who cares and treat others well. Yet I still continue to remain her friend.

She keeps thinking that job opportunities and money should all be given to her because she is good academically. She don't like to wait for others. She wants everything to herself, and so she can boast around telling others she is the best just because she have the opportunity to get projects given by companies with the help of the teachers.

Then one day, she likes one of her teachers. She thinks that others guy in school is immature and she thinks that she is matured. Her judgement of others being not good enough for her actually makes her think that she is matured. So being 'matured', she feels that the teacher is good enough for her just because the teacher is sexy and is better at academy than her.

One thing she seems to fail to realize is that the teachers are matured enough to understand her and other students need.

She hurt people, she thinks she is the best, she thinks other sucks, and she thinks others are immatured, she wants everything to herself (projects, money, etc), she do not want others to be better than her.....
.... she does not care about others or even treat others well. She did not treat ME well. The answer to the unanswered question is... (you know it)


My conclusion:
This is the reason why I hardly mind if a person is a bit weird, abnormal looking, poor or a bit different. This is because:
1) If they are any one of the attributes, don't I have it myself? (I don't know)
2) I know that I am not perfect or the best ("There is always someone better" - Ahmad Ninjado)
3) I want to make others life better (I know she don't have many friends, so I want to make her happier...)

And because of all the above reasons, that is why I continue to be her friend.

There is one person who help me see all these, and that is my Idol... Michael Jackson.
Listen to his song: Man in the Mirror

Search for the lyrics, you will know the power. He's been telling us a great message through his songs. People began to like him after listening to his songs even after he passed away. Michael Jackson have changed many lives. Michael Jackson is very caring and treats others well....with love. :)

Some people who hates him are people who have made no different to people. They hurt people instead. The haters of Michael Jackson too, should look at the man in the mirror. Thank you Michael Jackson, you are my inspiration.

Hmm...why did other celebrities who knows Michael well and have met him always say that he is good and all? But why did some of the people who hardly/never meet him keeps hating him and say that he is a child molester? And why some people(his fans) who never/hardly meets him love him?
Why people who are closer to him love him and why who are not are just throwing stones and hide their hands?

The SECRET behind that blanked look : To break free

I've been not thinking about my every day life lately. It's like I don't really care. I am only concern with what is going to happen tomorrow. Let me just share with you what I mean.

Look at the visual basic book... I bought it 3 years ago. It is supposed to be useful for me in year 1, but guess what I didn't read it.

Another book - Flash MX. I know I was taking flash module last year. I bought this 3 years ago but I didn't use it.

Another programming book, web programming and Java. Hey, I don't need java but I am not sure why I have it. Anyway, same case, I never touch them even though I bought them.

Sometimes I wonder, what was I thinking 3 years ago or perhaps all the past years. It's like all I was doing is meant to help me now... it's like I was preparing myself for today.

There is one more thing that is bothering me. And all these emoism, worries and pressures are due to this. And this is about freedom and bringing happiness to people. It's something that I don't even have and that makes it difficult for me to give it away.

I know whatever I am doing is boring and dull. I have been doing codings, self-learning, being at home, etc. It's not like I am not interested in music or something fun, it's just that I am preoccupied. I am working out a way to break free for tomorrow.

I got a breakdance book, not bought by me, but my uncle. He was a guitarist and love to rock when he's younger. Unlike me, I am none of the cool things that other have in their list.

One of the things I ever wanted to do is taking up vocal lesson and do some entertainment. But that is a bit too late. No, don't try to use positive words to tell me otherwise (eg. nothing is too late).

Another thing that I've always wanted to do is hang out and spend like machine gun. But I can't do that, I need to save up.

Then I want to meet Michael Jackson and go for his concert... haiz... looks like it's just a dream now. I bought his album 3 years ago. I've been listening to his songs ever since I was 5 or younger.

I want to buy myself a cake and share it with family. It's just that I love cakes. Then I also want to watch cartoons and eat the cake with my mind completely free from worries. That would be a great moments for me.

MJ

MJ passed away..~
Is it true? ...I am still in doubt. Or perhaps, trying to accept it.

I've been his fans for years and have always take him as my role model. People believe the media when they say MJ abused child and stuffs. They call him wacko and stuffs. They always try to frame MJ.

However, when he's gone, everyone praise him and say good things about him. It's when he's gone, then these people who call him 'bad' begin to wake up and see who MJ really is.

This is why I dun like to hate people. Everyone deserves to be praised and be known for their positive side. But most humans lamely like to say bad things about others. They see the bad sides and forget about the good sides...until.. they lost that person.

Anyway, Michael Jackson have taught me a lot, though indirectly. I am like who I am now partly due to his songs, his voice, his videos, etc. He is a role model, my greatest inspirer.

Now that he's moonwalking to heaven, I feel insecured. Something is missing. Something is not right. I am talking about the world. The world is changing especially when he's gone. But I hope the world will change for the better.

I still feel like he can still be saved. I could not feel that he is living anymore.
I can't feel his soul. Is he really gone? Or will he come back? (I know it's a silly thought, don't mention it)

==============My 2 Cents================
It's lame to be gentlemanly just because the society say man should be gentleman. Then what about the women? Women should be women? Slut? Bitch? Tomboy? Whatever.
It's not that I am against the idea man should be gentleman. I am against the perception of the women who feels that man should be gentleman. Women, ask yourself, do you deserve gentle treatments? I see no logic why men should be gentle when the women is cursing and saying bad things about the men. I only see them taking advantage of the gentlemen. Conclusion: I don't consider myself gentle, I am nice to everyone. I think that's more important.

The Negative EMoIsm again..

>__<"

As usual, not enough sleep will make me more sensitive and emo. So prepare to kena shoot.

FYP, is not so stressful but team members make me stress.
Wushu, is tiring but fun..
4 Days Modules, also...

Hey you! Don't you realize it? Many ppl are avoiding and running away from you. But I am here to make your day better. Yet, you still annoy and irritate me. What's with you? You want people to like you, but you always leave others behind. You don't see the value of others. You only want you and only you to succeed. No wonder you deserve no friends. I know what's your respond is going to be. It's going to be a childish one...
..something like..."Ahh, dunno la. I don't care about what ppl say la"

Eh hello!? You think cool ar? It's lame and childish ok.

FYP, thanks all. You ppl hv taught me smth. Smth really good. Something that really wanna make me kick faces and especially that small girl. Here:
"Hey! You are just an empty vessel that makes the most noise!" - Halim (name not mention due to potential crime. It's not that I'm scared, it's just that I am not stupid to take the risk)

You're an empty vessel because you talk so much during the last meeting.. in Chinese somemore. It's damn irritating. And the rest of you are making me feel like gundu. AND hey YOU the one starts with M. You talk so much and did little. That's why you're an empty vessel.

Angry ar? Come arr. Beat me, hate me, you can never kill me.

I gave you a taste of my finger flicking and you already scold me right. That is just a little of what I can do. I am not a gentleman, sorry if you think I wont hit a girl. I am gentle to only who deserves it. You are one who don't deserve it.
Just so you know, that finger flicking is nothing compared to what I've done b4. So consider yourself lucky man.

And stop playing that Facebook game during meeting. You always think what we were doing are all wrong. But hey, take a look at the man in the mirror. Go tell him to change his way. Don't try to play with my words (ie. man, and your a 'woman'), it's lame and childish if you do tat.

"Seriously i'm getting sick of fyp lor.Maybe i should retain a semester to complete my fyp?I'm sick of fyp fyp fyp !! >."- quote from your blog (on May)

Hello?! You did nothing yet ok? (at least on May)

Look, you got me mad during the phototaking session. You stand at the piano and blabla. I am not good at handling camera, that is why I always try not to be the one taking shots. Yet I took a lot and you took so little and said that it is sufficient. Ok, MAYBE it was sufficient but it is better to have more shots. Now, we might need to borrow the camera to retake again.

At least, you did some html thing which I am not so sure abt. Remember this is an animation project. Don't dream on not animating. I am not perfect either, I KNOW...DON'T MENTION IT.

You like to play with 'he/she is lame', 'he/she is immature', 'he/she is childish'. So in this post, I am just tell you that you're the one of them(who are immature, childish, lame).

Look, you have potential. I know you're good at photography and you do have some creativity there somewhere in you (i dunno where la). One of my principles is that there is no point shooting others because they will lamely shoot you back. So sorry, if you are angry. I know you are those who will try to get revenge. I know, don't mention it. If you are reading up till here, take this apology from me. I'm sorry for offending you (if u feel offended). If it hurts so much, forget abt this post because the next time I meet you, I will show a smiley face.

Even though I shoot and say all these things, I never hate you or anyone. In fact, I hardly have any grudge..I can't even remember having one. I am just too tired. So just try to undertand me.

EDITED: I forgot something. CS4 SUCKS!

WUSHU, you guys are all nice. :) Finally, smth good to say. Juniors are nice, batch are okok. Seniors are as friendly. Thank you.

I have always wanted to spend more time on wushu and martial arts. My time is short... I still have things to do...

I drew this myself to represent the path that I am taking. Reason for not being in my so call crowd is because I have something in mind and other factors includes financial problems and my situations. I guess I have let people think that I am very playful, childish and obviously lame. But if only they see me in the past and if they were in my shoes, then I think they will know who I really am. I am better at socializing if I am lame than when I am serious, quiet and cool (as in calm).

Once again... I have something in mind. I have a goal. I have something to prove, I have something to do.. That's why I do what I do. Or else, I would be in my crowd.

What's behind that playful behaviour

Hello blog..

3 things making me sad:
- I was told that a friend of mine has passed away
- I am given a D and a (-0.5) for marketing
- A friend

I couldn't believe that she's gone. She's so nice, friendly and she always looks happy. I overheard that all she really want is to get married. But due to the bike accident... you know. For those of you who have just had your bike license, please take care. If you have been experiencing accidents frequently(at least twice) after you receive your license, I strongly advice that you stop biking or get yourself more familiarize with it before you decide to drive on the road. I may not have a bike license, but I do have experience in driving one.

Secondly, I receive a D and (-0.5) for my marketing. Now I feel so tired of it. I am close to giving up now. I am interested in marketing but I realize that the module is just not my strength. I am outdated on the current market - I am clueless what's new and what's not and what's god-knows-what. I should not have taken the modules that will pull my GPA down. *sigh*

Lastly, I will not have time to work NOR DO I EVEN LIKE MY JOB. That makes me sad and angry. To make things worse, I have just met someone who is very selfish and I did not know that someone that selfish even existed. Sorry, don't get offended if you read this, it is not meant to offend anyone but just to tell the REASON that make me more sad. All he cares is about himself and nothing else. No one else should be better than him or richer than him. Anyone who is better will be hated by him. I really wish you will change. I truly find it childish.

I may be playful, but I am most of the time preoccupied. I hardly tell others my emo-ism cos' of 2 things:
1) I don't think anyone have the time to help me.
2) My verbal communication is sometimes difficult to understand (i am a non-linguist)

So that's why, I am throwing the trash on my blog. For some people who have seen me so quiet out of a sudden. I'm sorry, but I get sleepy and (mentally)tired quite easily..

Getting tired

I'm so tired. My blog has no fancy languages or any decorations. lol. haha..that's random.

Anyway way, I am getting more and more fed up. I smile and laugh when people are around me, that is contrary to how I react with people 9 years ago. My post is going to be random again... my mind is blank and I'm tired.

And I am not sure why I am writing a new entry when I am about to fall asleep (as usual).
But I guess I'll end here...

Lesson in life

1) A cliche...Intentions..

Sometimes your intention is good, but others might think that you have other intention...

2) Situation...

Don't be angry easily.. Depending on situation. If you get angry easily in the wrong situation, you look as though you are just trying to get attention. Sometimes...you look LAME.

3) The funny thing...

Your jokes may not be lame to you, but others think it is lame. Others' joke may sound lame to you, but to them it's not lame.


Think of a solution to each of the 3 points. You should feel more neutral.

Damn la...

Selfish humans, all they care is about themselves.
All they want is what they want.
Humans are very childish, especially the rich buggers.
They are selfish and immatured because no matter what we commented on them, they were ignore it and act cool to it. Pretending not to see others need. All they want is everything to themselves.

Sorry if I am scolding anyone here. I am just voicing out my anger - to reduce my stress and of course, anger. I have no intention of offending anyone, I just need to express myself to lighten my burden and anger. But seriously, humans need to experience difficulty in order for them to be united.

Governments, all they care if about themselves. All they want is power and money. They use the life of their arm forces to make money and power to themselves. Then they say, it is for the good of the citizens.

THE TRUTH IS.... HUMANS DON'T NEED POWER, MONEY OR ENEMY. They need only LOVE AND HAPPINESS. Think about it.

Michael Jackson :D

Was sick

Hello blog...

There's good an bad news.

Good news:
- I just recovered from fever
- I just find out that April 20th is school reopening day :D means got 1 month

Bad News:
- FYP project released and this means 1 month will be used for FYP =.="
- FYP project scope is on real animation...WAHAHAHA....i was asked to join for php and now got animation

Being playing with my gripper till finger blister. lol.

Anyway, gotta sleep. nite

Holiday is wasted

Man... my holidays are wasted.

Sometimes I feel like I can become insane. What do everyone do during holidays?
- Go out
- Hang out
- ENjoy themselves
- etc... (I don't know what youngsters do...SERIOUSLY)

What do I do?
- Work
- Work
- Learn
- Get fed up
- Feel miserable

Fine, I know my life isn't balance. That is why I think I wasted my youth.

What I have always feel like doing?
- Train and work out
- Hang out
- Socialise (something that I failed since young)
- Window shopping (just look around)
- Martial arts
- Be involved (school helper - this was what I WANTED in secondary school)
- Make parent happy

True, it's easy to say, "Hey let's go out"
But.... there's something I need to worry about. No one knows. Let's just say that I am a bit autistic (maybe?). I know that there's no use saying all these. Okay, let's look at the bright side... I still have 1 freaking more year to enjoy before I waste more life in ns.

Hey, so what's your problem?
- I just do not know how to be teenager

What do you mean?
- I am not doing what other teenagers are doing...and I do not even know what they do

Why didn't you ask them?
- I will look like an idiot. But I've heard what some of them did, I don't find it interesting or fun..

Then you're just a nerd
- Fuck you, if only you're someone else...

If you realise...I am just talking to myself. Asking myself question and answering them. It makes me feel much better but sooner or later, this post will be deleted.

Flash Backs

Hello blog. It's been such a long time since you hear my crapz.

I've been writing some articles and spin it around to generate 100 unique articles to promote some of my site. One of my site rank 1st page and get 100+ visitors per day.

I've not been doing many of the things that I want to do. I want to train wushu but have been MIA for like 5 months. Most probably my skills are getting bad or better to say CMI. It's not that I didn't want to but I just do not have the time. Serious speaking, I love to train in wushu...just to keep myself physically fit but well, I'm far from it.. too far indeed.

I miss my secondary school days. I realized that I have wasted my secondary school days. I suck at socialising so yea, those were my lonely days. I should have talk to others more and heck about studies since my daily revisions didn't pay off well.

Without realising, I am repeating the same mistake even now. I am wasting time to achieve financial freedom because I am feeling so financially insecure.

Whatever it is, I do it out of love. I know I sound like a sentimental guy, but what can I do? That's just me. I know I suck, I know I was pretending to be positive by saying all those affirmations or lies just to bring myself to sanity. I seriously do not know how to end my entry.

I think my playground is martial art... since I can't go back to ninjado, I am thinking of joining TKD. Just to spar for fun and see girls :D
I still love my ninjado friends though :-)

Emoism

Hais.. Decided to blog.
Been chiong the whole 3 days.
First day: Create web layout, graphics, weblog, wrote some articles
2nd day: Discover that the server fuck me up, so change server and reinstall the blog and website, setup the blog to auto
3rd day: Doing backlinks works, writing an affiliate script (not done)
The 3rd day is today.

Been quite stress lately, cos' no one has been supportive. I really believe that I have not change at all. From when I was 5yr old. I was said to be the 'obedience' kid and getting praise. No, that's not the point...in fact, only THAT one changed...it has become the opposite. But only 1 thing hasn't change. I am always making sure that I will do something to get what I want.

I wanted a digimon, I save money. I wanted to lose weight, so I exercise every night when I was 10. I can't remember much, but I know I always did something. Saving money is the most thing I did. My long interest of being a ninja and martial artist ever since 5yr old.... I joined Ninjado at age 17...and kena kick out.
What I am really sad about is... now, I am trying my best to get what I want... but I am in need of something. Need of understanding and support.

I did a lot of mistake in my younger days... those achievements are nothing without something call companion. Those younger days... cats seems to be my only companion. People, if you think being a single child is cool, trust me... it's not.

Stress.. Tired.. Frustrated.. Miss all my ninjado friends... those days..
I may look so happy, but deep inside, something is hidden. No use telling others. It won't help. I have tried but I received a 'heck care' reply. I need to solve this myself.

New Site!

Halo! I just created a new fact script! :D Kinda fun actually! Below is one of the facts.