cheeken

I want to close my eyes....
I am feeling damn emo...
I wanna draw a sword...
Bleed myself...
As i am typing this....cheebye msn keep popping up...
damn.
Damn boring...I m like nothing...just invisible...
No talent no speciality. Like the space between two planets..I am just nothing. I wanna be strong, destructive...and being seen equal.

Felt sick...I didnt take care of myself...ever since yesterday...
Too emo, i decided to eat a lot...
Bought pineapple pie, coconut pie, zinger student ml, and shroom burger ml from KFC. I ask for 2 sets of shroom burger ml but she gave me one set. =.=" nvm.
Thought of having it alone if my mom havent come back, but she's at home. So i offer her the shroom burger...while i took the rest. My mom asked why I hv been buying lots of food. I lied of course.

Seriously, I feel so down the grave. Didnt go wushu today...
My life is ruined...the god of devil is blessing me with his negative aura.

I feel like crying under the red sky...kneeling on my knees...palm flat on the ground.. head down and my eyes staring at the tears of sadness that wet the ground...

I wanna be strong...strong...

How i wish I can turn into a beast...as strong as a beast...

Cheeken

When interest doesnt relief stress..

When interest doesnt relief stress..

I hv been EMO nowadays...i was happy for only a moment...then EMO again.
Chiiicken...i m like sooo weak...hais...
Even martial art class cant relief my EMO n stress...
I hv the tendency to destroy the things around me...and even worse, the strangers around me.

Chiiiiicken...really unhappy with myself. I hv the feeling that the damn EMO me is coming back...
Feeling so emo tat i ate 3 scoops(approximately) of icecream. 3 different flavours each....corn, durian and vanilla. Ate a lot of other things too.
Hais..for now..
I just wanna be alone....
I think I m goin to be quiet in class again..

urgh!

Tonight is a bit funny...
There were like so little people online. The 2 usual ppl who i use to chat with were also offline. =.=" Wonder where everyone go...

Had quite a tiring day...the CIG is back again. Hais..

How have RP help me to improve? Recently, I have some thoughts about how RP change me. Now I understand why I should respect others' opinion. Previously, all I know is to respect others' opinion. U see the different?

In relate to my self-being, I have not change my attitude towards people who wanna act cool or bossy. The same old line applies to these people(ever since sec sch)...that is: What are YOU going to do when Mr.Cool take action on you?!
Lol...it looks somehow lame and nonsense, but seriously...I dislike people who act 'cool'. My line determines violent...which means let's see who's cooler. Sounds like an idiot? Maybe. I am not gonna fight with these ppl anymore...just dont go over the limit. ;)

Just to revive yesterday's entry on 1 month to live.
I wonder what if it is true...?
What am I going to do?
How will I achieve my aims in life?
What are my stepping stones?

I think I would probably make a confession to the girl I like, I just need to let her know. Spend time with her during the day, spend time with family at night. Hug all my colleagues goodbye and quit my job. In school, try to make my classmates happy. Help them if I can afford to. Do some make-over and feel good. Watch anime with my ninja friends. Make my mom happy. Tidy up my rooms. At the last day, I would say, "Thank you everyone...I love you all. You gave me so much happiness, more than what I can give in return. All I want is everyone around me to be happy. So let me leave with happy memories. and when I say I am getting old, this is what I mean...I can't live much longer. haha."

Hais...

I am thinking of getting myself the good knee-support from guardian...it's gonna cost be 70 bucks. But anything below $100 for a recovered knee. :D

Tired

I need oxygen...i cant breathe...
I need a break...i am so tired...

Sat & Sun was so tiring. The stupid promotion make me feel so stress. The new staff make me even more stress. What's more? The customer ordered so many ICE-CREAMs!
I wanna cry sia....:( Damn stressed.

Stressed over wushu, ninja, work...social life, own appearance...many things ar. Even my own health, like my knees..and something else.

Okok...last nite, my friend from yr 2 ask me on MSN. She was like EH EH, halim!^3
haha. She said she dreamt of me. A sad case.
In her dream,
I told her I hv a month to live.
But she tot i was just joking.
So she dun care la..
then later she saw my face in the newspaper..i died.
Then she sad la. haha

So when she woke up, she wanna sms me and stuffs. Ask ppl abt me. haha
Sweet huh? haha..see? It shows that I am very good leee...haha. No la...just wanna share some fun

Anyway...sometimes I feel so pain in my knee. Serious ar...it's sooooo pain. It's my joint. CB...especially now, when the weather is so cold...it's raining, oh damn it!

Wushu today was quite bad. I tried to do cartwheel w/o hands i ended up doin somersault..and sat down when land. haha. I need to be fast. Jumping kick hurt my knee again. AHH!! Stress! haha

All I wanted to do is to peace them. Hais..

Ninja..tis sunday...likely to hv sparring. ArgH! But i got work..i scared no energy to fight. HAIss.....I olady say i wanna work on Sat, he gave me Sun and Sat.

Okla...really cannot tink properly now...tired. goodnite :D

END

Life sucks for me. I dont seems to be getting along well with anyone.
What's life when all i do is wander around by myself?

Cut myself, kick some butts....nah.
The total truth is...i m always trying to smile tho i dont feel like it.

Ruined life...I should just kill..

Maybe I am a lil bit emo now.

I am nothing now...
Get a knife and just kill..
Draw a sword and slash..
live in the woods
and be happy.
Born to stay alone...quiet...
I have gave up being positive
the light isn't bright
instead it is emitting darkness
It's time to bleed...

These r just words tat r in my mind now. Must get control of myself before i go insane..

AHH!!

AHH!! ARGHH!!!
I dunno how to start my blog...i just feel sooo 3897828728947 as in @*#@@#&#^%#%#@#.

I think it's probably because I am very TIRED. Yesterday...go pray, then work, then celebrate HR. =.="

Today, i work morning, go ninja-do then go my uncle house. =.="

I am stress w/ myself...my abilities/capabilities... r decreasing. Hais...in a way I am mad abt smth that cant be undone, then is my injured knees.

Today spar...boring. Nothing happen...no injuries or anything. Tho my opponent manage to punch me in the stomach, it has no effect...but feel like a loser. As much as I want to kick his face....I tried to be lenient in such a way that I didnt go near him before kicking him. It's just to practise my moves. I was also quite distracted with my new acquired knowledge...."I want to go toilet" in mandarin.
But I wonder why Shihan stop the match when the best part is coming up...i was so low in my stance...it makes me feel so fearless and light.

I AM DAMN StupId!! LOUSY!! WEAK!!!....ARHG!! I dont seems to be able to b a martial artist..look at me...injured knees...kena punched and unable to block/dogde/counter the slow strike. That's it... i m nothing.

Really...the person who made me pissed off the most is MYSELF. useless...useless...

Bad sign...~

Let me first just share what I want to share.
On Tuesday, I actually went shopping...by myself. =.="
I must say I hardly do any shopping. haha..but since my mom insist i go buy clothes and stuffs...oh well..SURE. But under one condition, I go alone.

So yea...bought some clothes...well, just to express myself. :D

Did some photoshopping to express myself...

Feeling stressed abt myself. Today in sch, felt a bit crossed.
I decided to skip wushu...but still went for it for a while...I need to vent out some anger. Ended up kicking soccer ball..and the wall.

Recently, been in bad mind. Feeling vex...I even manage to create a motion picture of myself jumping down the building, commit suiciding. Today I felt like kicking the light switch and tables in the class.

I've been thinking...i think she's right.

Went home....nothing to do....sian, so I decided to clean the fan....but instead I broke it. I already tried to be careful but I think I overuse my force. =.="

28 is Ninja grading. Damn it...it clashes with wushu performance. Also, ninja grading got sparring if i not wrong. So what is goin to happen is I hv to create a combo move using punches instead...my knees are injured to kick so much.
I hope the wushu performance is at noon...so then i can cabot and go for ninja.

I am told not to go for martial art classes for 2 weeks. THat's wad the boring doctor said. Sianz la. It really feel weird when i didnt got for martial art class. So i didnt digest his advice. I went for wushu and today ninjado.

Sat
Quite slack...i went home early...working can sometimes make me sian. We were playing with names....spelling it backwards. haha. Then one of my colleague wanna transfer to another pizza hut outlet. So sianz...

Abt 3-4 ppl leavin the place liao, leaving me with the newbies. I am think of leaving too...but i need to find a job with better payy n flexible hours.

Sun
Morning was amazingly quite stressful, cos' there's lots of foreigner and big group customers.
Ninja-do....left with no energy...tired. Somemore got duck walk..aiyoo. ugh! Find myself being so weakk.
I cant do the 45 degree sweepkick. Knee pain sia...
Serious ar....having knee injuries sucks. I feel like lifting heavy weights and exercise more. I m not in good shape anymore. Havent been exercising for weeks or months. Damn it...
No sparring until grading day. But then, got pushing. Argh...i scared my spinal cord pain again. I was damn weak lor today. I hv to push two ppl. haha. Rachel the specs dunno wat happen. haha...they say i kept spinning. lol. Really no attention of doin so but..dunno why i did it. It makes victory easy to earn. lol.

I feel soo stressed of myself. So weak, fat and slow n not talkative. Damn it...

Days pass

HAPPY BiRTHDAY FIRA! :D


There's a lot i wanna say...but some of them r lost...i mean i forgot la. haha. STM

okok..
Monday
Laugh a lot...that boya la. Nonsense upUP and away. So yea...it was nice to laugh. Then went to wushu, depressing....many thing cannot do. Even Jabez has improved..but I am like so way back. I can't so proper cartwheel...I cant jump kick cos' of my knee, I cant butterfly jump also due to my knee. Then I feel like a loser.
comic IG has been dismissed. Now I need to learn to draw by myself.
Did the plan with the class the night...including the behind the scene.

Tuesday
I feel so fatigue. Not enough sleep..damn frustrating. All the clothes does not seem to suit my mood..so ended up with RP shirt, blue jean and cap...the normal casual wear. The preparation behind the scene was a bit messy. haha.

Anyway...went for my course meeting. It was damn cool la...I mean the project yr 3 is doin. I like the movie with animation. Cool sia! :D
Then I realised that I can do my own portfolio now. :D I got my interest wad. But i do not hv macromedia flash :(

Went to Woodland Point with some of the class....secretly preparing for the surprise. Abdil and esther....wahhh so jialat. haha..anyway...everything went quite well.
And do I smoke? haha....it's up to u to find out.

Relief faci today, I feel so bored la. There's one time this faci just sit there dunno for how long, type type. It's damn sian la...I dunno what she was typing la. It's like so damn slow...and we were all quiet. At least say what she wants la...until 1 of us went to continue with another discussion...and then she ciao. alamak...sian.

I hv not been exercising lately...feeling damn hooligan for being a martial artist and not keeping myself fit. I hv not been practicing either...how lousy!!! Arghh!

Knee oso siao...aiya...havent go see doc. Tml think i goin to see doc abt my knee. It is not serious. It just feel some twinge of pain occasionally. I am just trying to be safe than sorry.