Update Of Halim

I am working hard now for experience, knowledge, money and life. I just need financial freedom. I don't really like the company I just joined. Well, to be more specific, I don't like the system. But I would like to learn from them how they talk well and influent people.

I know what they are doing. Psychoing me to take offers and see things in a different view so that their main purpose is hidden (purpose: to get more money). They keep saying the same old cliche but well. I'm still quite impress with how they speak.

My saying still goes: I know...don't mention it

They do a lot of mind tricks la. It's my thing as well. Trying to fish me with cars, money and even their products. Well. It's normal but yea, that part of it was a bit unsuccessful of them. After understanding the company, I know what I want from them. I just want to learn and maybe earn.

So my new list of busy list:

- New 'business' to learn

- Attachment Company

- Own project (1 is finishing, 1 more pending)

- School

- Wushu

- FYP

- Morning PT (been skipping)

- Need to exercise for NAPFA

I still heard people asking me to push myself. I have pushed myself so much that I often feel angry at times.

I've just shared my personal problem with a faci in RJ. Well, I just need someone to know what's in my mind. The real thing in my mind that is. She's quite privilege, I never really tell it to anyone clearly or at least any clearer.

I like the module, it's about story-telling. It's fun. I really enjoy it and I wish I can stay in RP more.

And I don't really have free days. Actually, I consider myself 'dead'. If you can remember, those times I always say that my life is short....this is what I mean. Because I never had a proper teenage life. I'm supposed to enjoy my last sem in RP, but instead I am killing that part of what I enjoy.

I'm sorry Halim, I couldn't make you happy. I have been such a worthless hardworking guy who couldn't even make myself happy. I couldn't even make myself look good. I'm short, I'm dark and I'm still not able to make good income. I don't have the traits that can attract the opposite gender. I am not able to play music, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't act. Sing.Act.Dance...these 3 have been in my top list for all these years but well...I couldn't achieve it. Now you know who's the biggest loser. No more ninjado for me.

I'm not sad now. I'm just stating the fact and I feel neutral about it. I feel numb.

I am feeling a little feverish now... health deteriorating? I don't know. But I've been feeling kinda stress.

The Ex-Loner

When you're young, you don't know anything.

True enough. I was wondering why when in primary school, a friend of mine told me to take him as a brother, partly due to his mother advise as well. He said since, you have no siblings, you can take me as a bro. I was still young and I thought, I don't need siblings.

But now I know why I need one. Looking back, I am always alone at home. Everyone's out to work, no siblings and so I stayed at home alone almost every day. Not knowing how to socialize and too used to being alone. I understand the lonely emotions when people are alone. The 'emoism' - so called.

In secondary school, I chase for friends. But after some time, I isolate myself again. It feels weird to see everyone eating with friends and spending time with each other while I sat on a bench observing my surroundings alone. I thought that it was a hobby to observe people, but now I guess I just don't know how to mingle or more like we have different interest.

Actually, that is when it hurts. You will begin to wonder why no one come to you, talk to you or even pay any attention to you. You feel as though you're invisible. Everyone is with someone, while you are alone with yourself. Go home, feel vexed. No siblings to talk to or share each others day. Seriously, I don't know what people with siblings are doing.

Holiday is even worse. Nobody is at home. You're alone. Got scolded for not doing house chores. Already that I was emo being alone at home, I still got scolding for not doing house chores. Who can I turn to? (not all people have this trouble)

That is why, whenever I see a friend who is alone, I try to be with them. I know how loner feels. Call them weird and leave them alone, that's what most people would do when they meet 'weird' people.

The only friend I had was stray cats. That's why I use to 'meow!' on MSN. :)

Decided to do some log.

Here's the list:

- Personal Website Project (dating script with a twist)

- The IEP Company Project

- FYP project

- Wushu Performance (I wish I will be able to perform one last time)

- Morning PT

- I have 1 more storyboard to do for FYP (I did 1 today)

I am hoping to do another freelance referred by CY.

What I want:

- I wanna stay at RP a little longer (1 extra sem?)

- Digital Cam

- Some clothes

My life needs to change for the better. NS is already like end of life. I want to live longer, I don't wanna go NS - I am so in need of teenage life. Maybe I'm suffering from a disorder where I still enjoys cartoon so much and always wanna be a teenager.

Who knows.

Some of the Halim's mind...

I just wanna share some forms of motivations.

Motivation is what drives people and it serves as the lifeblood of people, the one that propels them to go on and on, never mind the hunger or the tiredness.

Here are some of the different motivations that people subscribe to. Read on and you might find one that will help you deal with people close to you. It might even help you deal with your own self.

1. Achievement

This people are those that wants to work, work and work. They don’t need to be given money, rewards or anything of the sort to work. They work for the sake of the work and not for anything else. When you are looking for people, this is the kind of employees that you might want to consider. These people are dedicated and often, they are the ones who are persistent and have a high energy levels. They also want to be given responsibilities and when they have achieved something, they will get right on to doing the next one without even resting.

2. Affiliation

You might wonder what others are thinking why they just give up their careers for love. You see women who dedicate their lives to serve their husbands and you cringe at the choices that they have made. But this is because your motivation is not the same as theirs. What motivates these people is their need for affiliation. These people need love in their lives. This is the only thing that they aim for. It’s not important for them to have a career or to achieve something in life, they just want to have people love them and have a support system.

3. Security

These people care for the future. They are already thinking of their future in old age even if they are still in their 20s. Often these are the people who are into material possessions because they feel that having money will secure their future for them. Besides money, these people also want to have properties and all kinds of assets. Having a steady job is also important to them. Change is not something that these people can abide.

4. Nurturance

These people are the natural mothers of the world. They have the constant need to mother people or to care for someone. Often, people go to them when they want to comforted or just to have someone to listen to them. They are nurturing and motherly in their attitudes towards people and would be great teachers, counselors and mothers.

So which are you?

And which do you think I am?

Sayonara

How to be the Halim that I want to be?... It's getting stressful.. projects to manage, schools, wushu and morning PT... damn NS is going to take away my 2 years of life. I know what life is, don't mention it but why must this happen to me so early (15-16yrs old)? It seems like I've 'killed' myself..(ie. the Halim that I want to be..)

Today, taking a STA module. The class was filled with mostly girls. I feel kinda uncomfortable when all of them know each other well. On the other hand, they are playful kinda people which is like 'my other side'.

I don't know how to mingle with them though. At least not yet. My team are noisy girls. All girls and me =.=" Like FYP team. But slightly different, they're noisy and playful.

I want to learn to be one of them so I can mingle easily. My first impression of the team members I'm in:

Huiman - Cute/prettyish- nice to hv a team mate like this

The-beside-me-and-first-i-talk-to: Has a good voice and i can tell she enjoys singing

The-second-I-talked-to: Pretty sweet looking

The-red-color-one: Looks cheerful, nice to hv someone like this in class

I guess I hv to behave and participate more next week. I don't want to be a crappy person.

Had a dream about some disturbance, or something bothering me.

In the dream, it was some sort of bug...but it also looks like some sort of energy being.

It's trying to distract me from something..

Anyway, I was awakened by the phone which was ringing persistently. It was my mom, she injured her knee and wonder if my uncle was out already to get her shoes (to lighten the pain) and i say he's out liao.. and my mom saw him.. BUT he didnt see her and she can't run.

I went to bed again..but then the phone rings again. He said did my mom call and say where she is...I say yea. She's at CK. But my uncle when to MRT interchange. =.="" and he said ok. *hang*

I decided to get up, bath quickly and went out to CK to find her myself. Irritating sia... her hp no batt, uncle blur....and I slept for 4 hours since the phone disturb me. But well, it's ok... at least I'm there when she needs me. She was wondering if she should call me using public phone to get her to clinic, but I save her 10cents and came down. guai hor? lol

Then back home, back to work. This IEP is getting on my nerve. The previous weeks, i sent email to do testing but no one tested for me except the manager. Then when I update the calender last week, no reply until this week. =.=" Then this last week, manager msn me..ask me this and that got bugs. =.=" Ok...finally u do some testing for bugs.

So I was debugging...and on 1Oct or was it 30 Sept, he asked me to do another 6 more stuffs. Aiya... after i told him that next week i start, then he rush me to do things and start updating me. Anyway, I did 5/6 things overnight. The last one was on the aethestic which I have to wait for him to give me. Received it on Friday morning which is actually 'today' (now it's Sat cos' it's 12am+)...

I am only angry why he never give me all the proper details that he want initially. Anyway, I am ok now. I just need to sleeppp. That's all. I need sleeping pills. Damn! Why didnt i ask the doctor for it just now. argh...